How To Kill Yourself As A Vegan

Ahh, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. It appears that I know just enough poetry to be dangerous, but not enough to actually appreciate it fully. Well, that’s not quite fair, I did do an undergraduate degree in English Literature and I’ve written 3 novels and working on a 4th as I write this. I also have a poetry blog, but that’s got nothing to do with vegan valor.

You’ll also notice gentle vegan reader, that I tend to ramble and meander in my posts. You’re also probably wondering waht the hell has the title, “How to Kill Yourself as a Vegan” got to do with anything I’ve written so far? Well my clever friends, absolutely nothing. For some reason I just got on about poetry. Most likely because so many damn poets and writers end up depressed and killing themselves. But that’s not what this is about.

I think as vegans, we tend to be deeply empathetic and much like poets, we can be wounded deeply on an emotional level with the pain and suffering that animals undergo. But this too has nothing to do with killing yourself as a vegan, but I’m getting there.. jeebus christoff give a blogger a break 😉

As you know if you’ve read anything I’ve written here, I’m very concerned with vegan representation and how we might represent as vegans. And part of that whole gangsta represent vegan stuff is being healthy, wealthy and wise. Well at least the first and last of those three. So I came across an interesting article about the way we poison ourselves with what we eat and drink. Not just us as vegans, us as peoples. You can read the full article here.

It seems that drinking diet pop everyday will kill you quicker than watching reruns of the Fresh Prince. Who woulda thunk it! Well, fuck, really, let’s think about this. You’re ingesting chemicals by the big ol’ mutha fucka chemical companies and you think you’ve found the elixir of youth 😉 Nah, I know you don’t think that, but you probably don’t think it’ll do you any harm. Well apparently, it’ll kill ya 61% quicker than if you don’t touch the stuff.

Now, they’re talking here about dying from vascular related events. And as a side note, don’t you love the Orwellian padded cell speak that scientists and researchers use to couch this very serious shit. Things like vascular events… scratch that, you heart will explode and your brain will drop an F bomb (that’s F for febrile). You’ll die of strokes and heart attacks. Fun stuff… not!

So listen up my vegan playahs, you’ve gots to stay away from that poison. If you like your pop, have a regular pop and not a diet one, and just drink it occasionally. For the animal’s sake for chrissake. That’s one way you can kill yourself as a vegan.

And I’m telling you my veganistas that folks out there are just itching to see us dropping like flies from eating too many french fries, so they can say yeah, dang, I knowed it, that thar vegan diet is hokum. So let’s try and stay on the straight and narrow, even better the straight edge, straight up… word. Now I’m not straight edge but I can dig honoring the temple of the vegan monumental, it ain’t supplemental in fact it’s rather elemental 🙂

So don’t get fat unless you’re already phat. But seriously, don’t be eating shit food all the time. I see you doin’ it. Yeah you. It ain’t hard to be a vegan pimp if you eatin’ well. I’ve written about a good vegan diet before and how to go vegan. Check it out for inspiration. But puh’leeze, don’t eat that cheese, and just ignore your mother when she tells you to suck that udder.

Okay, this is really getting out of hand. I’m going to close it down here. The takeaway message is we’ve got to take care of our vegan selves. We’ve got to honor our vegan beliefs and our vegan motivations. Folks are watching, I ain’t lyin’, so don’t die too early, don’t die young, but stay forever fit and young on the vegan train. We’re a small group but we’re gaining momentum, and the fulcrum is coming when we’ll gain critical mass. Remember you’re the avant garde, the edge of the blade. Be sharp so you can cut the mental straps that hold the sheeple back. Don’t be a retard.

Word to your vegans,


PS. That poem was “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways” by Elizabeth Barrett Browning

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