What Is A Vegan?

I didn’t realize I needed to spell out what is a vegan. But then I got to thinking since my last post about how to kill yourself as a vegan that there is so much nonsense out there and political correct illusions about lacto-ovo-pesco-meato-cannabilo-veganism that I wanted to clear the air.

So this is going to be the authoritative guide to what is a vegan. I joke (just a little) but this is my take on what being a vegan is all about and the good folks at The Vegan Society agree with me, so put that in your pipe and smoke it 😛 The folks at the American Vegan Society also agree with me so let’s get to the seitan of the matter.

A vegan is someone who doesn’t use animal products. In the diet this means that a vegan EXCLUDES the following items from their diet: flesh, fish, fowl, dairy, eggs, gelatin and honey. And as far as possible vegans also eliminate other animal ingredients like casein, cochineal and carmine (ground up bugs). However, this is a talk for another day. Y’all know I’m not a militant uptight vegan that way. If the cheeseless pizza you’re eating happens to have a drop of butter in the pizza dough, don’t sweat it when you find out. Animals are dying by the billions and the last thing we need to do is make this seem harder for people than it actually is.

That’s the diet part, but veganism also goes much deeper than that. A vegan is someone who also doesn’t wear leather, wool and silk and tries to avoid home and beauty products that contain animal ingredients or were tested on animals. Animal testing gets me bent out of shape real bad so let’s not go there.

But if you an exclude all the obvious animal products from your diet and you stop buying silk, wool and leather products I’ll let you into my secret society of vegans. Even if you occasionally wear that itchy wool sweater that Aunt Mildred gave you when you graduated from high school. That’s okay with me, not with some other vegans. But so long as you’ve drawn the line in the sand and dedicated yourself to the vegan ethic, then I’ve gots no problems with the history of your closet. But things like that can be donated. Just think about it.

So friends, go vegan for your health, for the planet and most importantly the animals. As I’ve mentioned before if you know about veganism and what a vegan is (and who doesn’t by now), and you still choose to meat, then that’s a special kind of evil in my book. There’s like a special 13th circle of hell that is far beyond Dante’s 9 circles that it’s never even been spoken of because of the pure evil that is found there. The evil of corpse eaters and those who trade in death.

That’s you my carnivorous friend. Get out while you still can. You know now what a vegan is and how easy it is to become one. Got questions, I’ve got answers, just ask. But I implore you on behalf of your quivering soul, do not go down that path of abomination where God’s acid tears burn you up from the inside.

Righteously vegan,