My First World Vegan Problems

I haven’t written a post in a while, and the reason for that is because I don’t think this blog gets many visitors or those who care enough to comment publicly or privately whether my scribblings are a worthwhile use of my time.

I’m a pretty selfish person, at least that’s what some people tell me ;). I’m selfish particularly with my time. It is our most precious and only non-renewable resource, as such, I’m very cautious as to how I spend it. If taking the hour or so to write a blog post seems to be a waste of my time, then I’ll selfishly use my time for better purposes.

But then I got a kind comment from a reader recently who encouraged me to continue. Thank you MJ, and no, that’s not Michael Jackson arisen from the dead to goad me on to keeping the vegan torch lit. But MJ is a recent vegan, and their story emboldened me to write again. For if I can offer some help and some support to old, but especially new vegans, then that is time well spent. So MJ, this one’s for you :)

I’ve had a couple of #FirstWorldVeganProblems lately, that I’d like to share with you. This post is both poignant but humorous at the same time. I’ve been thinking of writing about it for a while but didn’t for the reasons above.

1. Jason and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad vegan Etsy day

I like Etsy. I like supporting artisans and small business owners who are making decent products and trying to make a living. I’ve bought a ton of stuff from Etsy vendors, but for all that is vegan, can you please figure out what veganism is before you start advertising your products as vegan.

Case in point. Go looking for vegan lip balms on Etsy. You’ll have a hard time finding them. Why? Because everyone thinks that vegans are cool with bee products like beeswax. No we’re not. Beeswax is not vegan. But some folks who aren’t vegan think it is. I shit you not.

Some other folks think that soap made with honey is vegan. No, it’s not. Read my thoughts on honey, and if you don’t give a shit about my opinion, then read what the original authority on veganism has to say about it.

Wah, wah, wah, that’s my vegan first world problem. In fact, it was so bad, I gave up looking for soap and lip balm on Etsy. I make my own vegan lip balms in any event. But still. Veganism is getting watered down and that’s a shame.

2. I guess giving me 2% is too much to ask

This one is probably the one that pisses me off the most. I don’t have many friends, but the few I do have I’ve known a long time. Since before I was vegan. What upsets me is that none of those fuckers have ever gone vegan.

But what’s more upsetting is that I probably only see my friends once every 2 weeks or so. Let’s call it 2 weeks for evens Stevens. In 2 weeks the average person having 3 meals a day will eat 42 meals. And we get together for one of those meals. That’s about 2% of your meals, and I can’t remember the last time I went out with some of my friends and they DID NOT eat meat.

So eating vegan, hell I’d take vegetarian, for 2% or less of your meals is too much of a fucking sacrifice to make to respect a dear friend. That’s how I feel about it.

Before I went vegan I’d never have considered ordering a ham and bacon sandwich if I went out for lunch or dinner with my Muslim or Jewish friends. Why? Because I fucking respect their beliefs and value their friendship. But it seems like asking a person to have a vegan meal 2% of the time (at the most) is too much of a hassle and inconvenience.

Which brings me to the second part of this issue. If you know a vegan and their ethical beliefs and you still continue to eat animals, then that makes you an asshole. Why? Because you are choosing to be a party to violence, horrific pain and death to other sentient beings for nothing more than palate pleasure. For the sake of appeasing one of your dull senses you’re okay with the killing of sentient beings. That makes you an asshole.

And because of that, I’m becoming less interested in spending my most precious resource (my time) with those who a) can’t even respect me enough to forgo meat once in every 42 meals and b) lack the moral fibre to stand up and be counted for those who cannot stand up and be counted for themselves.


Because you want to gnaw on the flesh of an animal for the momentary pleasure or your tongue you’ll condone the death of an animal. Nah, I’m not sure I want you in my life that much.